Thursday, February 18, 2010
Chapter 8- Revelation
Chapter 8- Revelation
What was I going to do? I had almost forgot that I still had a decision to make. A life altering decision at that. Could I walk in the church and marry a man that I wasn't sure was the man for me? Could I walk away from what had been my life for so long? I started to panic again. I was lost in my mind. I was at a fork in the road and had no idea which road to take. I had to make a decision between two men who had been such a huge part of my life. Either way someone was getting hurt today. It was either me or the man at the altar, Jacob.
Yes, I had agreed to marry him. He was a good guy even after the rocky start we endured. He loved me, and I knew it. I loved him. The question was: Did I love him enough to commit myself to him for the rest of my life? I wasn't entering into marriage lightly. I wasn't the type to think if it didn't work we could just get divorced. I thought of marriage as a lifetime commitment. Just like the vows stated. Why agree to the vows if you're not going to take them seriously?
Then there was Edward. The nicest guy I'd known my entire life. The man that had been my best friend since pre school. I knew Jacob didn't like us being friends, and I didn't know if I could live the rest of my life without Edward in it. I thought deep down maybe Jacob was jealous of the bond between Edward and I. Over the years I had always been told that Edward was the one for me. It always seemed that no matter who he dated, it never worked out because he was always waiting for me. I never took any of those comments into consideration, thinking I knew better than they did. Who were they to tell me what my best friend was doing? I knew him better than anyone; just as he knew me better than anyone. There were secrets that Jacob didn't even know but Edward knew. Edward was like my own personal locked box, I knew all of my secrets were safe with him.
"Fuck!" I shouted in frustration as I rubbed my face.
"I don't want to rush you, but you know everyone is waiting on you." Alice said.
"I know. I just don't know what to do. This is such a huge decision. Is Edward out there? Did y'all see him?" I asked. I needed to know if he showed up for the wedding. I had invited him against Jacob's wishes. He was my life long best friend, and he deserved to at least be invited.
"He was seated when I came back here." Rose answered.
I froze. He was here. He came. "Was he alone?"
"Okay." I began to pace the floor. Lost in my thoughts again. Jacob. Edward. Jacob. Edward. Jacob. Edward. My mind went back and forth over and over again. I felt like making a list of pros and cons for the both of them, but that didn't seem fair. A lifetime of friendship and trust didn't seem to translate well on paper. Edward was amazing, sweet, kind, loving, faithful, trustworthy, smart, patient. I had a lifetime of experiences to know that Edward would never hurt me. All I had with Jacob was a few years of a sometimes stable relationship.
Finally, it was like the sun peering through the clouds after a thunderstorm, it hit me. I knew what I needed to do.
"Okay. Can you guys go out there and wait for me. I won't be long."
Rose and Alice looked at each other before answering. "Sure." They exited the room and I got dressed. I walked out of the room and saw Rose, Alice and my dad standing in front of the doors to the sanctuary. They all looked at me with confusion. I was only making this speech once. I walked past them and through the doors. As I quickly walked past all of the guests I heard them all whisper and gasp. I saw Jacob's face tense up as I neared him. He knew what was happening. It was never good to see the bride walking down the aisle in jeans and a shirt.
I stood in front of him and whispered. "I'm sorry. I just can't marry you. We both know this isn't right. We would hate ourselves in ten years for wasting all of that time. I know that we won't be happy in the long run. Please don't hate me."
He glowered at me for a moment. "I can't believe you!" He shouted through his clenched jaw. "Doing this here, now! You could've told me this before I was standing up here dressed like a fucking penguin!"
I knew his reaction was going to be bad. He always had a bad temper, but I wasn't going to marry him just so he wouldn't be mad. "I'm sorry Jacob. You will thank me for this later I promise."
"For embarassing me in front of everyone I know! Not a fucking chance, Bella. Why are you doing this? I gave you everything." He asked. He wasn't trying to be quiet anymore, and the whole church was silent as they listened to our conversation.
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you. It's just not right. I'm sorry." I said quietly.
He began to take his jacket and tie off. He proceeded to throw them on the ground. He started to undo the buttons on his shirt. "Just rip my fucking heart out while you are it, why don't you? Fuck this. You don't deserve me." He shouted before storming down the aisle and through the doors.
I stood at the altar in front of a sea of guests stunned into silence. I hadn't expected he was going to make such a scene. I knew that would be the last time I saw him. He would have movers come in and pack and move all of my stuff. He wouldn't want to see me anymore. I had hurt his pride in front of everyone he knew. That was the worst thing you could do to a man like him. I hadn't planned on doing it that way, but it would've been worse ten years down the road.
Finally, I turned to the audience and took a deep breath. "I want to thank you all for coming today, and I apologize that there isn't going to be a wedding here today. I'm sorry for the scene you just witnessed. I hope you understand that I couldn't marry someone that I knew wasn't right for me. I'm sorry for wasting your time today. Please forgive me." I walked down the aisle and spotted Edward sitting in the audience. He was looking directly into my eyes. I didn't see in his eyes what I saw in everyone else's. In his, I saw compassion and understanding. In everyone else's I saw curiosity, astonishment and perhaps some amusement.
I didn't care about everyone else, I cared about Edward. I walked out of the doors and came face to face with my dad.
"Bells, I can't say that I'm happy you did this, but I am happy that you didn't marry him if you weren't happy. I'll deal with everyone. Go back in the dressing room, and I'll get you when everyone is gone." He said before hugging me.
"Thanks Dad. Can you do me a favor and tell Edward to come in there please?"
He looked at me with confusion in his eyes. "Sure thing."
I then practically ran into the dressing room. I didn't want to have to answer every one's nosey ass questions. I just wanted to talk to Edward. I needed to tell him everything.
I paced the room again while I waited for Edward. Soon there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" I asked.
I rushed over to the door and opened it. He walked in and looked at me with concern. It was as if he wanted to say something but didn't know what.
"Your dad said you wanted to see me."
"Yeah, I did. Sit down. I need to talk to you." We sat down in the chairs Alice and Rose and been sitting in. I gazed at him for a few moment before I spoke. I had forgotten how beautiful he was, and I wondered how I'd ever thought he wasn't practically perfect. We all had our flaws, but you honestly couldn't ask for a better person. He was an amazing friend, and I knew he had been a great partner for his girlfriends. I could only imagine how our relationship would be.
"You don't have to talk about it you know? I'm sure your day has been hard enough without explaining it to me."
"No, it's not that at all. I was just thinking." I paused. "Do you know why I called off the wedding?"
"That's part of it."
"Okay. Is there more?" He questioned.
"Yeah, a lot more. I put that dress on, and I started to freak out when I thought about spending the rest of my life with someone that was just a good guy, but that I wasn't in love with. And then I thought about you. I thought about our twenty plus years of friendship. I thought about everything that had led me to this place and time. I thought about how amazing you have always been to me. I thought about all the times I wanted to kiss you or tell you I loved you. I thought about all the times it seemed like you wanted to do the same thing."
"Edward, I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time. Every time I tried to tell you, something would happen or the timing wasn't right. I want to be with you. I want it to be you and me. No one else. Just us. I love you, Edward." As I felt my emotions start to overflow. I looked at him as he tried to process everything I had said. I'm sure it wasn't what he was expecting to hear today.
"I ... uh... Are..." He stuttered.
"It's okay. You don't have to say it back. I just needed you to know. It's you. It's always been you."
He reached out for my hand and held it between both of his. He looked me straight in the eye. "It's not that Bella. I love you. I've been in love with you since I was four. I just never thought I'd actually hear you say these things. I feel like I'm dreaming. I came here today planning to be upset about seeing you marry another man. Now, all of that has changed. I'm just trying to take it all in."
I lept out of my seat and hugged him as tightly as I could. He wrapped his arms around me, and it felt like I was finally home. It felt right. In his arms was where I was supposed to be. In that moment, I knew I had made the right decision.
I felt his breath on my ear. "I love you so much. You don't understand how happy you have made me today." He whispered and my heart jumped.
I pulled back to look in his eyes. It looked almost like he was going to cry. "I love you too." I said. Then he pressed his lips against mine, and I knew in that very second that being in love with him was right. He was my best friend, my confidant, and now he was my lover.