Monday, January 4, 2010
“What the fuck am I doing?” I said under my breath as I took in my ridiculous appearance in the full length mirror. I assumed that to everyone else I looked beautiful and glowing. To myself I looked like I was a sad case of a woman. That somewhere along the line I had let familiarity and comfort take precedence over happiness.
I had taken a big fucking wrong turn along the way, and ended up here with a good guy that I just wasn't in love with. Yes, he loved me today. The question is after giving birth to a kid, and gaining weight I may not ever lose; would he love me then? Would he love me unconditionally? When my ass is sagging in forty years, will he still look at me and want me? When my face is all wrinkles, and my hair is all gray; will he want me then?
The better question was how would I feel in ten or twenty years? Will I look back, and think that I married my forever love, or will I look back and feel like I've wasted the last twenty years of my life on someone that was just a good guy?
All of a sudden my vision was blurry, and my head was spinning. I couldn't regulate my breathing, and that fucking corset made me feel like I was suffocating. I felt like the room was closing in on me. I started breaking out in cold sweats all over my body.
I reached behind my back trying desperately to grab a hold of the string that held the corset together. I couldn't seem to grasp the fucking string, and I knew if I didn't hurry up that I would be passed out on the floor from a fucking panic attack.
I finally grasped the string and pulled as hard as I could, and I finally felt the fucking corset begin to loosen, but it wasn't helping my breathing.
“Bella! What the hell are you doing?” Alice yelled as she rushed over to where I was standing. “You're so red, and you're sweating. Oh my God! Are you okay?”
“Please...just ….. get... me out....of.... this... thing!” I managed to sputter out in between my jagged breaths, while I was still trying my best to get out of this damn corset.
“Bella, just stop! I'll get you out of it! Just stop before you tear this dress to shreds!”
I couldn't fucking care less about that fucking wedding dress. After my mental fucking break down, no one was going to be getting married in it. I felt like I wanted to burn that dress. Yes, it was beautiful, and most women would feel like a princess in it. I, however, felt like a fucking prisoner.
I felt like taking those vows and signing that marriage license would be signing my life away to the wrong man. I would be domed to a loveless life that I would never truly make me happy.
I wasn't so naive to believe in prince fucking charming, but I did believe in forever unconditional love. I didn't believe that there would never be any arguments, but I did believe that he wouldn't use my own insecurities against me during a fight when I felt most vulnerable.
“Alice! You're taking too long. Fuck, I feel like I'm going to pass out!” I clutched my throat as if it was going to help the air actually come into my lungs.
“There! There! You're out! Sit down!” She shouted as she guided me back into the chair.
I literally collapsed into the chair. My legs felt like they were made of gelatin. I attempted to regain control of my breathing and slow my pulse.
Before I knew it, the tears were flowing down my cheeks and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it.
I sat there sobbing like a child while Alice kneeled down in front of me and attempted to calm me down by rubbing my arms.
“What's going on in here? People are starting to....” I heard Rosalie ask as she burst through the door.
“Shut the door!” Alice shouted.
“Oh my God! Is she okay? What happened?” Rose asked as she slowly walked towards the chair I was sitting in.
“I'm fucking sitting right here! You can ask me!” I seethed. I knew she didn't deserve my shitty attitude, but I couldn't help it. She was talking about me like I wasn't even in the room.
“I'm sorry, Bella. Are you alright? What can I do?” she questioned, as she kneeled down next to Alice.
“Can you get her some water?” Alice asked.
“Yeah, I'll be right back.”
Rose left the room, and I was still sobbing uncontrollably. It was like six years of pent up emotions were finally being released. All of the uncertainty, pain, berating, insulting, and resentment. It was all being released in that one moment.
“Bella, you have to regain your composure.”
I saw Rosalie re-enter the room through my blurred vision. She handed me the bottled water. “Here you go, B.”
I opened the bottle and practically swallowed the whole bottle in two gulps.
“Thank you.” I managed to say without anger in my voice. It seemed like my bodily functions were beginning to return to normal. My breathing was becoming more normal, and I felt my pulse slowing. My vision was back to normal, and I didn't feel like sweating pig anymore.
“Do you wanna tell us what happened?” Alice asked.
Where the fuck was I supposed to start? When I was four years old, or when I was twenty one? There were two starting points that ultimately converged in this day. Rosalie and Alice were my best friends, they already knew some of what was going on, but I hadn't told anyone the entire story. Maybe, today was the day.